I went to my therapist yesterday afternoon, and she told me that it's completely normal to be feeling this way after discovering I have Aspergers. Especially after all these years of being unaware I had it, and having to figure out how to navigate through life on my own, while feeling like I didn't belong, and not understanding why. I don't even feel like I belong in my own family. I never fit in, and they always joked, and made fun of me. It was hurtful, and caused me to have very low self-esteem. I would try so hard to be the person that they wanted me to be, but no matter how hard I tried, they still never took me seriously, or accepted me. I didn't really understand the concept of "unconditional love" until I met my Husband.
I believe my Dad has Asperger's himself, and I am positive this is the parent I inherited AS from, but he will never know, because if I brought it up to him, it would not go over well. He hates "diagnosis" of any kind. I have made an attempt once before and will never make that mistake again. And although "knowing" would help most people, I don't believe it would help my Dad because number one, he wouldn't accept it, believe it, or care quite frankly. And number two, he doesn't like anything that involves talking about feelings or admitting that he might be flawed in any way. Growing up with a Father like mine was a challenge. He's very irritable, sensitive to little noises(typical AS), has all of the sensory issues, which I can understand and relate to. But when him and my mom had kids(my brother and I), my Dad wasn't very happy about it. I have been told on more than one occasion that I was an "accident"(I was their first born). My dad could not handle what comes along with having kids(noisy at times, messy, interfered with his daily routine, costed money..etc). "Kids will be kids" was just not a concept he ever understood or accepted. I got yelled at ALOT for things most parents would be understanding about. I remember once, when I was going through my obsession with yo-yo's, I was "making it sleep" so it was spinning which makes a very faint noise, but he grabbed my yoyo, threw it, and yelled at me for playing with my yoyo. I got in trouble even though I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong. And with me having AS, I was alot more sensitive than the Neurotypical child, and that also caused problems because then I would get screamed at for crying, which everyone knows, yelling at a kid to stop crying is not gonna make that kid stop crying. And that is just one example of something minor. I could give lots of examples but we would literally be here all day. My feelings were never something he cared about, and my opinions didn't matter. But since I have AS, I understand that it's not his fault he's this way, and I do not hold it against him.
When my dad is talking to other people, he always brings the subject back to his current obsession which is usually something with a motor(like Jet Ski, motorcycle, boat..etc). Someone will be talking about their grandmother dying of cancer, and my dad will say "yeah so doesn't my bike look great, I just waxed it". I don't think he means to be that way, but he comes off as narcissistic, and cold. Which is why I really wish he would go see someone about ASD but he never will, so it's not like people can understand that he has a problem, and why he is like this.
I think as a girl, I have learned to observe human behavior, and choose what works best in certain situations. For instance, I have seen how people react to my dad always switching the subject back to his interests, and that has taught me to try and listen to what the other person is saying and at least act like I care, no matter how much I really don't. I am not referring to someone talking about their dying grandmother, I mean something like someone talking about their new job, or something like that.
My mom has Borderline Personality Disorder(although she has never been formally diagnosed by a therapist, because my parents don't "believe" in Therapy, because they say it's all just a "scam" for money). Anyway, I got very into Psychology in my teenage years, and since then have tried to learn pretty much everything there is to know about it. It is one of my obsessions. There are 4 different types of BPD and my mom would be considered the "Queen" type Borderline. She had a rough childhood. Her mom died of Breast Cancer when she was 7yrs old, and her father was an alcoholic. Her godmother(a very sweet, loving woman) helped raise her too, but she lived with her father the majority of her life.
Dr. Lawson writes:
"The Queen relates to others with superficiality and an air of detachment. She may perceive others, including her children, as a threat to her own survival unless they relinquish their needs for hers. Queen mothers compete with their children for time, attention, love, and money. Superficial interest and a lack of attunement to the child's emotional needs are typical of Queen mothers."
The above explains my mother perfectly, unfortunately. Growing up with Asperger's(not knowing I had it, just thinking that I "sucked", as my mom would say) and having a mother who just didn't seem to care about me, and instead of helping me with my insecurities, she just helped make them worse, criticized, and made fun of me. I am always being told I am an adult now, and that I need to "just get over it"(the issues with my mom) but it seems impossible.
On top of the challenges I've always had in life because of AS, I now have a bunch of health problems on top of it. My doctor diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia 5 years ago, and before this year, all my test results were coming back "normal" for the most part, but I kept pushing for more tests to be ran, because I could just not accept that how badly I was feeling and all of my symptoms were due to the Fibromyalgia(and there is no test to "officially" diagnose Fibro, it's usually just the label they give you after they have ruled most other things out), and although Fibro is a very real thing, alot of doctors don't take the diagnosis seriously for some reason and just let you suffer, saying there's really "nothing you can do". Well I just refuse to accept that. So I went to a Rheumatologist, and he ran some tests for Autoimmune diseases. My ANA(anti-nuclear antibodies), came back Positive, which indicates autoimmune disease of some kind. So now at my next appointment I find out which autoimmune disease it is that I have(hopefully not lupus, although the doctor suspects it), and hopefully whatever it is, there is some kind of treatment for it, so that I don't have to go on living like this. I am only 26 years old, yet I feel as if I am 90. I can't even make it up one flight of stairs without my legs feeling like jello, getting overheated, and being so out of breath you would think I just ran 10 miles. I know how badly stress can affect our bodies in a physical way, and I can't help but think that all those stressful years of trying to fit in, make my parents happy, saying all the wrong things, being laughed at, talked about, losing friends, relationships, not understanding why, being so unhappy with myself and keeping it all inside, could just be catching up with me, and possibly be the cause of my current state. They say dis-ease, causes disease, and I'm really starting to understand what that means now. My parents have never been "supportive" and one of their favorite things to tell me is "just suck it up and deal with it, you just have to". And what they don't understand is that I beat myself up everyday for the fact that I can't just "suck it up" or "push through it" like they think I should be able to. And knowing that I'm being talked about or judged by them for it, just kills me. My husband works out of town during the week, so I have recently started having to stay with my parents during the week so my mom can help me out with my daughter on my really "bad days" where I am unable to even take care of myself. It kills me having to ask my mom for help. Now, I am not unappreciative, or ungrateful for her help, but she doesn't do it without complaining the entire time and making me feel bad. She knows stress makes me feel a million times worse, she knows that I have AS, but she doesn't let that stop her from calling me names or saying things to make me feel bad about myself. When the therapist told her that I have Asperger's, she read up the info he gave her, and she was like "wow, I can't believe you weren't diagnosed sooner, it all makes so much sense." But she hasn't really tried to TRULY understand it, and still says negative things about me that make me feel worse about myself than I already do. It's almost like she just wants to be able to continue to criticize me for "the way I am" like she always has, and now knowing that 98% of the traits she has always disliked and crticized me for having are actually AS traits, makes her mad or something. I need support right now more than ever. And yesterday on the ride home from my psychologist I told her how I am struggling to figure out "who I really am" after all these years of "faking it" and being someone I think they want me to be, and trying to make them happy, and after years of doing that, it's like I don't know how to be myself. And to that my mom said "well just keep doing that then, just keep faking it". Of course, anything that will make it easier on her. Just a few minutes ago I went to grab a kleenex at the same time as her and she got frustrated, and I'm like "wait, you really think I was trying to do that on purpose just to make you mad?" and she's like "yeah probably", and so I got upset because that is just absurd that she would really think I would do that. And then very meanly, she said, "geez you just can't handle ANY type of criticism can you, it's like I'm always having to watch what I say because you take everything so seriously" And then I felt my eyes well up, and just walked to my room, shut the door, and bawled my eyes out. And the thing is, I know for a fact she read the info my therapist gave her, and in it, it explained how people with AS don't take well to criticism(and I never have, my entire life, she know's that about me), so why is she now criticizing me more than ever, and knocking me for not being able to handle it, or "taking everything so seriously"? Does she really just not care? She also said "why should I have to tip toe around everybody? Why am I always the one that has to change my behavior in order to make everyone else's life better?" I didn't ask her to change, all I asked(and my therapist asked) was that she try to be more understanding. Guess that's just not gonna happen.
I have been having a really rough week because of that very reason. If my daughter had AS(she doesn't), or some kind of disorder that I'm not familiar with, and was having a rough time, I would be nothing but supportive and there for her! I would be reading up on it like crazy, and trying to learn about it so I can better understand her. Not my mom though. She says it's because now I'm an adult, so it's different. I'm still her daughter, whether I'm an adult or not! I still have AS, and I'm still struggling! I guess this shouldn't surprise me though. She has never seemed to care about things that inconvenience her in any way, or take even a little effort on her part, especially when it comes to me. I am not asking for anything more than for her to be understanding, and maybe even tell me that she loves me no matter how I am, flaws and all, and that it's safe to just be myself. That is just not the kind of mother she is though I guess. I used to think all moms were like her until I started going to friends houses and seeing how their mothers loved and cared about them no matter what. Like they could do no wrong in their mothers eyes. I wanted that so badly, and still do! Their mothers weren't making fun of them, or disappointed in them if they weren't good at something. At least one good thing that has come out of this, is that I know exactly how NOT to treat my daughter. I remind her every single day that I love her so much and nothing she can ever do will change that.
