Socializing

 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!  Although I had a lovely weekend, and wouldn't change a thing about it, it was also extra busy and full of socializing because of the holiday. And if you're anything like me, you know that socializing=exhausting!  I am constantly thinking about what I should say next, how I should say it, how people will take what I say, and just what people think of me in general(and the list goes on of course..).

 My husband always tells me I "think too much into things", and he's absolutely right!  But I guess that's just an Aspie thing in general from what I've read recently, and from what therapist tells me. I have a very hard time when speaking to others, and get very nervous. Although you might not know it, because when I'm nervous I start rambling and without realizing it I end up dominating the conversation. I was very very quiet and shy as a child, and didn't talk much at all to anyone outside of my immediate family. I had no interest getting to know other kids. Being around other kids my age got my stomach in knots and I can even remember getting tightness in my chest around age 5 when it came to being in public or being forced to be around other kids. I chose to just sit by myself and not associate with anyone. Other kids would approach me and try to make friends, but I just wanted to be by myself. Even thinking about talking to them was like an intense fear. I never felt like I fit in, and honestly, I don't think I ever will.

I think over the years I have learned how to act in social situations by watching others for a majority of my childhood. But it is all an act. It's a facade. The person I portray  in front of others is not myself. It's who I think others want me to be. Or who I think I should be. Which is usually anyone other than myself. And I'm not always successful in doing so. It's one of the reasons why I don't have any close friends. Too exhausting to put up a front all the time, among other things. When I'm around anyone other than my Husband, I'm extremely anxious. I feel like I have to hide my true self.

 I also feel like sometimes I come off as sounding "dumb" in some situations because I am so busy thinking about the "right" words to use or the "right" thing to say, and it still ends up coming out wrong alot of the time.  It also makes it difficult to listen to what the other person is saying alot of the time because I'm so nervous and busy thinking about what I should say next. And getting into words what I want to say is very difficult for me. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trapped in my own mind. I have LOTS to say, but I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. If I'm with someone like my husband, who I feel 100% comfortable around, who I know understands me, will never ever judge me, who I can have no filter around, and just allows me to be myself, then I just say what comes out without worrying if what I said "came out right" or "sounded stupid", because he knows I'm no dummy. And he also knows me well enough to understand what I'm saying, or what I'm trying to say even if it doesn't come out right. He is so understanding, and patient with me. He is my rock and I thank god for him everyday. He helps me feel better about myself, and builds my confidence; and that's definitely what we Aspies need in our lives, is someone who is going to build us up, not tear us down, criticize, or make fun of us. That goes for most human beings in general, but I think it's especially important for Aspies. I have lots more to say, but it's getting late, and I'm mentally exhausted from the weekend! Goodnight everyone!

Lacey G.

Sensitivity to touch

I have a hard time with being touched. It actually makes my skin crawl in some instances. When I'm going through a tough time, touching does not help or comfort me in any way. I actually think that when I'm going through a tough time, or I'm extremely stressed about something, I can't stand it even more than usual. And that's usually when people want to give me a hug, or gently rub my back in an attempt to soothe me. And bless their hearts for wanting to help, because they are not aware that I have a problem, and because I'm assuming being hugged or touched does actually soothe, or console the "neurotypical" person. But instead of bringing me comfort, it actually causes my whole body to tense up, and makes me just want to crawl out of my skin. Now a breif, quick hug I can handle. I don't love it, but it's tolerable. Now if they start lightly rubbing my back during that breif hug, I'll quickly pull away. But I've learned over the past 26 years how to pull away without making it too obvious that I just want them to get their hands off of me. And it has nothing to do with the person doing the touching(most of the time at least lol). It has to do with the sensation I feel. As I said before, I cannot tolerate light touch. But actually, with a certain amount of firmness it can be ok(on occasion). Which is why I think I'm okay with the brief hug because there is usually a decent amount of firmness involved, and not alot of light rubbing. My Husband has learned over the years how to deal with me and my sensitivity to touch, among other things, and I commend him for being so patient and understanding with me.

Now this is where having Asperger's interferes with my life in a very negative way..

My daughter always wants to cuddle, and I feel terrible because I have such a problem with being touched that it get's in the way of bonding with my daughter in some ways. She's 5yrs old. She is very sweet, and loves cuddling. Most people would say "just do it, she's your daughter and her needs come first, not yours". And I AGREE. My child's needs should come before mine. And for the most part they do. But that's what sucks so insanely bad about being this way, is it just doesn't seem to be something I can control or change about myself. It's like the wiring in my brain only allows for a certain types of touch, and I have to be in control. Now I'm not saying I never sit with my daughter and hold her, or cuddle with her, because I most definitely do, ALOT. But if she catches me off guard, or comes up to me for instance, and lightly grazes my arm saying "I want to cuddle", I can't handle that type of "light" touch (for example where she's pretending to be a kitty and rubbing on me). But instead of telling her "Please don't touch me", I just say, "Honey, Mommy's not feeling so good right now..how about you let me finish up what I'm doing, and then I will hold you ok?" I just want to be the best Mom that I can possibly be, and there are so many ways that AS gets in the way of that.

 Now, even though I have struggled with these issues all my life, it took 26 years to be officially diagnosed, and I still have alot to learn about AS, and how to cope, so if anyone has any tips or advice on ways that I can make the sensitivity of being touched more bearable, at least for my daughter, please leave a comment. It would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Lacey G.

Females with Aspergers Non-Official Checklist

Females with Aspergers Non-Official Checklist

By Samantha Craft of Everyday Asperger’s, March 2012

This is a non-official checklist created by an adult female with Asperger’s Syndrome who has a son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Samantha Craft holds a Masters Degree in Education. Samantha Craft does not hold a doctorate in Psychiatry or Psychology. She has a life-credential as a result of being a female with Asperger’s Syndrome and being a parent of a child with Asperger’s Syndrome. She has created this list in an effort to assist mental health professionals in recognizing Asperger’s Syndrome in females.

Suggested Use: Check off all areas that strongly apply to the person. If each area has 75%-80% of the statements checked, or more, then you may want to consider that the female may have Asperger’s Syndrome.

Section A: Deep Thinkers

1. A deep thinker

2. A prolific writer drawn to poetry

3. Highly intelligent

4. Sees things at multiple levels including thinking processes.

5. Analyzes existence, the meaning of life, and everything continually.

6. Serious and matter-of-fact in nature.

7. Doesn’t take things for granted.

8. Doesn’t simplify.

9. Everything is complex.

10. Often gets lost in own thoughts and "checks out." (blank stare)

Section B: Innocent

1. Naïve

2. Honest

3. Experiences trouble with lying.

4. Finds it difficult to understand manipulation and disloyalty.

5. Finds it difficult to understand vindictive behavior and retaliation.

6. Easily fooled and conned.

7. Feelings of confusion and being overwhelmed

8. Feelings of being misplaced and/or from another planet

9. Feelings of isolation

10. Abused or taken advantage of as a child but didn’t think to tell anyone.

Section C: Escape and Friendship

1. Survives overwhelming emotions and senses by escaping in thought or action.

2. Escapes regularly through fixations, obsessions, and over-interest in subjects.

3. Escapes routinely by daydreaming.

4. Escapes through mental processing.

5. Escapes through the rhythm of words.

6. Philosophizes continually.

7. Had imaginary friends in youth.

8. Treated friends as "pawns" in youth.

9. Obsessively thinks about if she did, or said, the right things after a social encounter.

10. Makes friends with older or younger females rather than same age.

11. Obsessively collects and organizes objects in childhood.

14. Escapes by playing the same music over and over.

15. Escapes through a relationship (imagined or real).

16. Escapes through counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging.

17. Cannot relax or rest without many thoughts.

18. Everything has a purpose.

Section D: Comorbid Attributes

1. OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

2. Sensory Issues (sight, sound, texture, smells, taste)

3. Generalized Anxiety

4. Sense of pending danger or doom

5. Feelings of polar extremes (depressed/over-joyed; inconsiderate/over-sensitive)

6. Poor muscle tone, double-jointed, and/or lack in coordination, flexibility

7. Eating disorders, food obsessions, and/or worry about what is eaten.

8. Irritable bowel and/or intestinal issues

9. Chronic fatigue and/or immune challenges

10. Misdiagnosed or diagnosed with other mental illness and/or labeled hypochondriac.

11. Questions place in the world.

12. Often drops small objects

13. Wonders who she is and what is expected of her.

14. Searches for right and wrong.

15. Since puberty, has had bouts of depression.

16. Rubs fingertips/nails on certain textures, flaps hands, rubs hands together, tucks hands under or between legs, keeps closed fists, keeps toes curled, and/or clears throat often.

Section E: Social Interaction

1. Friends have ended friendship suddenly and without person understanding why.

2. Tendency to over-share.

3. Spills intimate details to strangers.

4. Raised hand too much in class or didn’t participate in class at all.

5. Little impulse control with speaking when younger and possibly into adulthood.

6. Monopolizes conversation at times.

7. Brings subject back to self.

8. Comes across at times as narcissistic and controlling. (Is not narcissistic.)

9. Shares in order to reach out.

10. Sounds eager and over-zealous at times.

11. Holds a lot of thoughts, ideas, and feelings inside.

12. Feels as if she is attempting to communicate "correctly."

13. Obsesses about the potentiality of a relationship with someone, particularly a love interest.

14. Confused by the rules of accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, and posture in conversation.

15. Conversation can be exhausting.

16. Questions the actions and behaviors of self and others, continually.

17. Feels as if missing a conversation "gene" or thought-"filter"

18. Trained self in social interactions through readings and studying of other people.

19. Visualizes and practices how she will act around others.

20. Practices in mind what she will say to another before entering the room.

21. Difficulty filtering out background noise when talking to others.

22. Has a continuous dialogue in mind that tells her what to say and how to act when in a social situations.

23. Sense of humor sometimes seems quirky, odd, or different from others.

24. As a child it was hard to know when it was her turn to talk.

25. She finds norms of conversation confusing.

Section F: Finds Refuge when Alone

1. Feels extreme relief when she doesn’t have to go anywhere, talk to anyone, answer calls, or leave the house.

2. One visitor at the home may be perceived as a threat.

3. Knowing logically a house visitor is not a threat, doesn’t relieve the anxiety.

4. Feelings of dread about upcoming events and appointments on the calendar.

5. Knowing she has to leave the house causes anxiety from the moment she wakes up.

6. All the steps involved in leaving the house are overwhelming and exhausting to think about.

7. She prepares herself mentally for outings, excursions, meetings, and appointments.

8. Question next steps and movements continually.

9. Telling self the "right" words and/or positive self-talk. Doesn’t often alleviate anxiety.

10. Knowing she is staying home all day brings great peace of mind.

11. Requires a large amount of down time or alone time.

12. Feels guilty after spending a lot of time on a special interest.

13. Dislikes being in a crowded mall, crowded gym, or crowded theater.

Section G: Sensitive

1. Sensitive to sounds, textures, temperature, and/or smells when trying to sleep.

2. Adjusts bedclothes, bedding, and/or environment in an attempt to find comfort.

3. Dreams are anxiety-ridden, vivid, complex, and/or precognitive in nature.

4. Highly intuitive to others’ feelings.

5. Takes criticism to heart.

6. Longs to be seen, heard, and understood.

7. Questions if she is a "normal" person.

8. Highly susceptible to outsiders’ viewpoints and opinions.

9. At times adapts her view of life or actions based on others’ opinions or words.

10. Recognizes own limitations in many areas daily.

11. Becomes hurt when others question or doubt her work.

12. Views many things as an extension of self.

13. Fears others opinions, criticism, and judgment.

14. Collects or rescues animals. (often in childhood)

15. Huge compassion for suffering.

16. Sensitive to substances. (environmental toxins, foods, alcohol, etc.)

17. Tries to help, offers unsolicited advice, or formalizes plans of action.

18. Questions life purpose and how to be a "better" person.

19. Seeks to understand abilities, skills, and/or gifts.

Section H: Sense of Self

1. Feels trapped between wanting to be herself and wanting to fit in.

2. Imitates others without realizing.

3. Suppresses true wishes.

4. Exhibits codependent behaviors.

5. Adapts self in order to avoid ridicule.

6. Rejects social norms and/or questions social norms.

7. Feelings of extreme isolation.

8. Feeling good about self takes a lot of effort and work.

9. Switches preferences based on environment and other people.

10. Switches behavior based on environment and other people.

11. Didn’t care about her hygiene, clothes, and appearance before teenage years and/or before someone else pointed these out to her.

12. "Freaks out" but doesn’t know why until later.

13. Young sounding voice

14. Trouble recognizing what she looks like.

Section I: Confusion

1. Had a hard time learning others are not always honest.

2. Feelings seem confusing, illogical, and unpredictable. (self’s and others’)

3. Confuses appointment times, numbers, or dates.

4. Expects that by acting a certain way certain results can be achieved, but realizes in dealing with emotions, those results don’t always manifest.

5. Spoke frankly and literally in youth.

6. Jokes go over the head.

7. Confused when others ostracize, shun, belittle, trick, and betray especially as a child.

8. Trouble identifying feelings unless they are extreme.

9. Trouble with emotions of hate and dislike.

10. Feels sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt her.

11. Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity.

12. Situations and conversations sometimes perceived as black or white.

13. The middle spectrum of outcomes, events, and emotions is sometimes overlooked or misunderstood. (All or nothing mentality)

14. A small fight might signal the end of a relationship or collapse of world in her eyes.

15. A small compliment might boost her into a state of bliss.

Section J: Words and Patterns

1. Likes to know word origins.

2. Confused when there is more than one meaning to a word.

3. High interest in songs and song lyrics.

4. Notices patterns frequently.

5. Remembers things in visual pictures.

6. Remembers exact details about someone’s life.

7. Has a remarkable memory for certain details.

8. Writes or creates to relieve anxiety.

9. Has certain "feelings" or emotions towards words.

10. Words bring a sense of comfort and peace, akin to a friendship.

(Optional) Executive Functioning This area isn’t always as evident as other areas

1. Simple tasks can cause extreme hardship.

2. Learning to drive a car or rounding the corner in a hallway can be troublesome.

3. New places offer their own set of challenges.

4. Anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse a sense of panic.

5. The thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something can cause anxiety.

6. Mundane tasks are avoided.

7. Cleaning may seem insurmountable at times.

8. Many questions come to mind when setting about to do a task.

9. Might leave the house with mismatched socks, shirt buttoned incorrectly, pants or top on backwards.

10. A trip to the grocery store can be overwhelming.

11. Trouble copying dance steps, aerobic moves, or direction in a sports gym class.

12. Has a hard time finding certain objects in the house, but remembers with exact clarity where other objects are.

This list was compiled after nine years of readings, research, and experience associated with Asperger’s Syndrome. More information can be found at http://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com © Everyday Aspergers, 2012 This non-official checklist can be printed for therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists, professors, teachers, and relatives, if Samantha Craft’s name and contact information remain on the print out.

　

Stimming

According to my mom, I have always had "tics" and "habits", as she would call them. My therapist tells me these things I used to do, and some that I still do are called "stims" and just another part of having Asperger's...

*I used to chew on the sleeves of my clothes constantly.

*I went through a phase where I sucked on my hair.

*I sucked my left index finger to help me fall asleep until I was about 14.

*When I was younger I would shake my hands(I have recently been informed that this is considered "flapping"), and it would usually be when I was in public because being in public made me VERY nervous. I had such an intense fear of being around lots of people. I would also shake them when I was excited about something. Anyway, I would shake them the way people shake their hands after they wash them but there is no papertowels or hand drier so they shake them dry(best way I can think of to describe it). My grandma would always tell me "Stop that Lacey, or people will think you have a mental problem". But it wasn't something I consciously thought about doing really. Anyway, after my grandma yelled at me so many times to stop and I became aware of what I was doing, I got better at catching myself in the act so I could try and stop. My Husband just this past weekend pointed out that I was "hand flapping" and told me I have done that for the last 7yrs we have been together every time I'm extremely anxious about something. And I do remember him mentioning it a couple times like saying "I've never seen anyone do that before". But like I said, it's just not something I consciously think about doing

*I have had a "blankie" for as long as I can remember(I know, I know, I am 26yrs old and still have a "blankie"..don't judge). It's not that I have an attatchment to this particular object, as much as it is an attatchment to the feeling it gives me, and the calming effect. I am now on my third "blankie" because the first two disintegrated, and it has pretty much the exact same texture that the first 2 had. That's why I say I don't think that it's that I'm attatched to the blankie as an object. What is important is the texture, and how it feels when I rub it with my fingertips/nails. It's like "pilly" and "rough". Fabrics like silk or that are extremely soft just won't do. I cut a peice of my blankie and sewed it onto an elastic hair band, and attatched a string to it, then sewed my blankie onto it so that people wouldn't be able to see what I was doing in public because let's face it, it is pretty weird for a woman like me, who is 27yrs old to have a "blankie", let alone need to "rub her blankie" when she's out in public. But with my pretty genius idea of making it blend right in, I can still rub it whenever I want.. It brings me comfort, and it actually seems as though I'm addicted to it in a way. If I lose it I flip out! It's like a drug, and when I lose it I feel out of control in a way. I panic. I don't know if anyone else has something like this, but if so I would love to hear about it so I know I'm not alone! :)

*From age 8-11, I used to do cartwheels back and forth in our living room for hours after school. Just back and forth and back and forth without stopping or pausing at all. It made me feel dizzy in a good way, and just thinking about it right now makes me wish I wasn't so sick, and didn't have horrible vertigo everyday so that I could do them right now. It was like a neurological itch that needed to be scratched. We had a very small house so the living room was the only place where there was enough space, or room, for me to do the cartwheels. So when my dad would come home I had to stop because he wanted to watch TV of course, so I couldn't be doing them in front of the TV obviously. My mom thought the cartwheel thing was a little odd but as long as I wasn't bugging or bothering her she didn't really care..

*Swinging. Swinging on the swings in my backyard also gave me that feeling. I would go out in our backyard by myself and just swing for hours until I was told I had to come inside. The back and forth, back and forth was comforting.

*I love rocking chairs because I love the way rocking makes me feel. And when I was younger, my mom would yell at me for rocking back and forth so a rocking chair was the closest thing to it, because rocking on my own just wasn't an option. It's another one of those things that scratches that neurological itch

*Within the last 2yrs I have developed another "habit" as my mom would call it. I do this thing with my neck..almost as if I'm stretching it, or trying to crack it but I'm not. It looks kind of like a "jerk" and I do it twice. My Husband says I look like a chicken when I do it. Lol. I feel like I can't help it, but it's not an involuntary movement or anything either. I technically have control over the movements, but it's like another one of those things I just feel like I have to do. I don't really know how to describe it.I'm not very good at putting how I feel into words, so I apologize if some of this makes no sense! And after I do the neck jerk thing, I usually do this little like clearing my throat/cough thing. Sometimes I do the "clearing my throat" thing by itself. My Husband and my parents noticed me doing that a couple years ago when I was going through a pretty stressful time, and they said I would do it every time I got extra stressed, or upset about something. My dad says it sounds like I'm grunting. And then sometimes I will roll/tighten the muscles in my stomach and do this weird breathing thing. Sometimes it even interferes with me speaking because it's like something I just do without thinking. Like a reflex, but my therapist says it is just another "stim". The reason I know that I can control it if I need to is because I had an MRI done about a month ago where I had to be completely, 100% still. It was definitely not easy, but I know that I had to. Anyway, I managed to not do the neck thing, cough, or tighten my stomach muscles, because if I did it would mess up the test and I could have had to start all over again.


Please feel free to share or leave a comment! Thanks! :)

Lacey G.

Officially diagnosed

Well it's official.. After nearly 27yrs of wondering why I am the way I am, "different", and even a little odd in some ways(ok who am I kidding, odd in lots of ways), I have finally been given a dagnosis...
 Honestly, it was not the dx I was expecting, but it's just as well. Today I had an appointment with my Psychologist, and I was officially diagnosed with Aspergers. At first I was a little shocked. But after educating myself on it, and doing tons of research, I actually felt sort of relieved..
I felt a sense of relief because I finally had answers to some of the questions I've had about myself for the majority of my life. I didn't really know, or understand a whole lot about Autism..just what I've seen on TV, and in movies; like kids banging their head's on walls and what not.  I also hadn't really seen, or heard of many(or any), girls having AS. The more I read about it the more shocked I was to learn that I fit the description to a T.. Not that I don't trust my therapist because for the the first time in my life, I do. But I always like to know pretty much everything there is to know about things that pertain to my physical, and mental health. Especially since my whole life it's been like this huge mystery to me..why I am the way I am, why I'm so different. Why no matter how hard I try to change my behaviors, or try to be "normal", I have always failed at doing so. When I started reading about AS after I was diagnosed, the first article I came across gave me chills(but not in a bad way). It was like someone had followed me around my whole life, writing down all of my traits/characteristics, and then created a list of them. I also read about females with AS, and how it's very underdiagnosed, due to a few reasons. One reason being, they often "fly under the radar" because they are typically calmer and more quiet than males, less aggressive, and usually come off as being extremely shy so teachers and parents don't easily pick up on what's really going on beneath the surface. I also read that us females are better at just sitting back and observing others' behavior before they "jump in" to social situations where they are unsure of how to behave, or conduct themselves. I agree. That's exactly what I've done all my life. And another reason is because we internalize things more so than males.
I was always trying to hide the fact that I was different, and also had a very hard time putting my feelings into words. So although it does make sense as to why females are underdiagnosed or even misdiagnosed, I really wish there was more awareness out there about females with AS, because it seems the majority of people think it's something that only affects males.
 Having AS and being undiagnosed can lead to a worsening of so many other problems, that already co-exist with AS like extremely low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc. I wish I would have been diagnosed as a child, because I have struggled my entire life, and was just yelled at for being "the way that I am" by my parents, which made me feel even worse about myself than I already did. I wasn't a "bad" kid, I was just very particular about certain things they didn't understand. For example, they just thought I hated going to school so much because I was being "lazy" or "defiant", when in reality it was because the thought of being around other kids my age made me so nervous that I would get sick to my stomach. It was very stressful growing up. I felt so alone, and my parents weren't the most compassionate, or supportive people as it was. Quite the opposite actually. My mom was always saying things like "why can't you just be like all the other girls?" or "you look retarded out there spacing out, in your own little world, while all the other girls are smiling and having a good time". It used to upset me so bad when she would say things like that, because I wanted to be like the other girls soo badly and I would try so hard to convince myself that I was.. But the older I got the more I realized that just was not the case. I was different. My friends were always laughing at things I didn't find the least bit funny, and goofing around, having fun with each other, telling jokes(that I didn't understand).  I would just sit there and watch them and think, "I wonder...do they really find this that funny?" I tried to imitate them to the best of my ability, and did a pretty good job of it most of the time, but it was not easy, and at the time I don't even think I consciously realized I was doing it. I remember around age 10 or 11 thinking, "maybe everyone feels like I do". But as I got older, it became more apparent to me, that was not the case. There was just something about me that wasn't right. Hanging out with my friends just wasn't fun, and to me, having fun wasn't as important as trying to get people to like me. Maybe the whole reason being liked was so important was because the more I was liked by others, the more convinced I became that just maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me. But in reality...I was a fraud. I fake laughed as often as I could and my cheeks would get so tired from fake smiling.  My mom always told me I must not be her child because I rarely smiled and/or laughed. A couple years ago, my mom kept my daughter overnight because I had a big test to study for. The next day we were talking and my mom said, "do you realize how lucky you are to have a daughter like 'Gracie'? She's so happy and outgoing..u were just so "blah" and "boring" as a child. (Not typically something you want to hear from your own mother). She obviously wasn't aware at that point still that I had Aspergers. And when she found out about my diagnosis yesterday and researched it on the internet, she looked like she had just seen a ghost. She said "OMG I cannot even believe after all these years, all the psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and doctors, that it took this long for them to figure out what's really wrong with you..it's so blatantly obvious". She even apologized to me for the way she's treated me my whole life..for criticizing, making fun of, mocking me..etc. I can tell she really does feel bad. And I don't resent her as much as I did before either, because the things she was telling me about myself were true, but I just didn't want to admit to myself that I was "different", and I just don't take criticism well at all. Plus, she didn't know any better. She didn't know that I truly had a problem, and that I just couldn't help the way I was. She says looking back there were soo many things that were indicative of AS, but since AS wasn't really even recognized until 1997, there was no way for her to know or recognize the signs. I had been diagnosed with Inattentive ADD around age 8, and around age 16 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anorexia, OCD, and manic depression. I read an article today that said all of those things are comorbid with Asperger's. I'm not surprised.
 I was always so serious about everything, and into my adolesence I started feeling really depressed. But I still put on my fake happy face, and no one(but maybe my mom), could've guessed how I was really feeling on the inside. It was like I was just playing a character at school or whoever I was hanging out with. And the type of character I was would change with each person/group. I would usually just say I liked whatever they did, and depending on how close I was to this person, sometimes I would even convince myself that I liked certain things that I really didn't. Because when that friendship would end, I no longer liked any of the things I acted like I loved so much when I was around them. I was like a chameleon. I was very quiet and shy. And I tried not to speak if I didn't have to, but during HS especially, that became increasingly difficult because I am a naturally very chatty person if I'm surrounded by people that I'm at least a little comfortable with. But whenever I did say anything, it was never the "right" thing, and people always looked at me like I was nuts. But all I ever wanted was to be liked and accepted. I feel like that even got in the way of my school work because fitting in was such hard work that it consumed my time and was all I ever thought about while at school. As I got older, and mimicking the neurotypical girls became easier because anything that you learn in life takes time.  The longer you do it and the more you practice, the better your become. I also sort of believe the only thing that got me through school were my looks, quite honestly.  Now I am aware that saying that might make me sound kind of conceeded, but I'm far from it-believe me. As unhappy as I am with myself, I do know that I am what society considers a "pretty girl" for several reason, but I will save that topic for another blog post. I am actually very insecure, and didn't act like or dress like a girl until about HS. That's when I finally started realizing that my looks helped me in more ways than I ever realized, and that's when I learned to do make up and became more into "mantaining" myself.  It's not because I enjoyed putting make up on or doing my hair, but because I knew that doing so would help raise my likeability, as shallow as that sounds.
 I have been wearing different "masks" for as long as I can remember, in hopes of trying to fit in with everyone else. Going out into the world and socializing was, and still is, downright exhausting. I have to become someone that I'm not, and very carefully think out every word I say. And the words I say still don't end up coming out right a majority of the time. I also misread people, or misread situations. I am always overthinking everything.  I envy those people that appear to be so calm, cool and collected. Must be nice. 
The last few months I've been having a sort of "identity crisis".  I don't know who I really am because I'm so used to this facade. I'm so used to being the person that I think everyone else wants me to be, that I now have absolutely no idea who I really am.  And now I am starting to fear that maybe I never will.  Because I don't really see myself  changing the way I act in social situation or around certain people.  I can be the closest version to "myself" in front of my husband.  He is the only person that I feel truly comfortable being my quirky, wierd, self around without worrying about being judged or made fun of.  I mean he jokes around with me, but he is laughing with me, not at me. He rarely(if ever), gets annoyed with me which is the opposite of how my family was while growing up. But I don't blame, or resent them for the way they treated me, because they just didn't know any better. They weren't aware that I had AS. Which is why I really think more people need to be made aware that girls do suffer with AS more than anyone realizes. I am willing to bet that the number of girls on the spectrum is way higher than 20%, and that there's a startling number of girls out there in the world suffering in silence like I did all these years; scared to tell anyone how they really feel out of fear that they will be looked at, or labelled as "different" or wierd. And if they're like me, that's the very thing that they've been trying to avoid thier whole lives.
Well it's time for me to try and go to sleep. Try being the operative word. ;) 
This has been my very first blog/blog post ever. So thanks for reading. I figure if I can help even one person out there to not feel so alone by documenting my thoughts, and day-to-day struggles, then it's worth it.
By the way, I apologize if I ramble or talk in circles sometimes. Especially on days like today where I'm extremely tired.  It makes me unable to process my thoughts, and put my thoughts into words even more than usual. So for that I apologize. :)

~Lacey G