Socializing

 

Hope everyone had a great weekend!  Although I had a lovely weekend, and wouldn't change a thing about it, it was also extra busy and full of socializing because of the holiday. And if you're anything like me, you know that socializing=exhausting!  I am constantly thinking about what I should say next, how I should say it, how people will take what I say, and just what people think of me in general(and the list goes on of course..).

 My husband always tells me I "think too much into things", and he's absolutely right!  But I guess that's just an Aspie thing in general from what I've read recently, and from what therapist tells me. I have a very hard time when speaking to others, and get very nervous. Although you might not know it, because when I'm nervous I start rambling and without realizing it I end up dominating the conversation. I was very very quiet and shy as a child, and didn't talk much at all to anyone outside of my immediate family. I had no interest getting to know other kids. Being around other kids my age got my stomach in knots and I can even remember getting tightness in my chest around age 5 when it came to being in public or being forced to be around other kids. I chose to just sit by myself and not associate with anyone. Other kids would approach me and try to make friends, but I just wanted to be by myself. Even thinking about talking to them was like an intense fear. I never felt like I fit in, and honestly, I don't think I ever will.

I think over the years I have learned how to act in social situations by watching others for a majority of my childhood. But it is all an act. It's a facade. The person I portray  in front of others is not myself. It's who I think others want me to be. Or who I think I should be. Which is usually anyone other than myself. And I'm not always successful in doing so. It's one of the reasons why I don't have any close friends. Too exhausting to put up a front all the time, among other things. When I'm around anyone other than my Husband, I'm extremely anxious. I feel like I have to hide my true self.

 I also feel like sometimes I come off as sounding "dumb" in some situations because I am so busy thinking about the "right" words to use or the "right" thing to say, and it still ends up coming out wrong alot of the time.  It also makes it difficult to listen to what the other person is saying alot of the time because I'm so nervous and busy thinking about what I should say next. And getting into words what I want to say is very difficult for me. Sometimes it feels like I'm just trapped in my own mind. I have LOTS to say, but I have a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. If I'm with someone like my husband, who I feel 100% comfortable around, who I know understands me, will never ever judge me, who I can have no filter around, and just allows me to be myself, then I just say what comes out without worrying if what I said "came out right" or "sounded stupid", because he knows I'm no dummy. And he also knows me well enough to understand what I'm saying, or what I'm trying to say even if it doesn't come out right. He is so understanding, and patient with me. He is my rock and I thank god for him everyday. He helps me feel better about myself, and builds my confidence; and that's definitely what we Aspies need in our lives, is someone who is going to build us up, not tear us down, criticize, or make fun of us. That goes for most human beings in general, but I think it's especially important for Aspies. I have lots more to say, but it's getting late, and I'm mentally exhausted from the weekend! Goodnight everyone!

Lacey G.