Officially diagnosed

Well it's official.. After nearly 27yrs of wondering why I am the way I am, "different", and even a little odd in some ways(ok who am I kidding, odd in lots of ways), I have finally been given a dagnosis...
 Honestly, it was not the dx I was expecting, but it's just as well. Today I had an appointment with my Psychologist, and I was officially diagnosed with Aspergers. At first I was a little shocked. But after educating myself on it, and doing tons of research, I actually felt sort of relieved..
I felt a sense of relief because I finally had answers to some of the questions I've had about myself for the majority of my life. I didn't really know, or understand a whole lot about Autism..just what I've seen on TV, and in movies; like kids banging their head's on walls and what not.  I also hadn't really seen, or heard of many(or any), girls having AS. The more I read about it the more shocked I was to learn that I fit the description to a T.. Not that I don't trust my therapist because for the the first time in my life, I do. But I always like to know pretty much everything there is to know about things that pertain to my physical, and mental health. Especially since my whole life it's been like this huge mystery to me..why I am the way I am, why I'm so different. Why no matter how hard I try to change my behaviors, or try to be "normal", I have always failed at doing so. When I started reading about AS after I was diagnosed, the first article I came across gave me chills(but not in a bad way). It was like someone had followed me around my whole life, writing down all of my traits/characteristics, and then created a list of them. I also read about females with AS, and how it's very underdiagnosed, due to a few reasons. One reason being, they often "fly under the radar" because they are typically calmer and more quiet than males, less aggressive, and usually come off as being extremely shy so teachers and parents don't easily pick up on what's really going on beneath the surface. I also read that us females are better at just sitting back and observing others' behavior before they "jump in" to social situations where they are unsure of how to behave, or conduct themselves. I agree. That's exactly what I've done all my life. And another reason is because we internalize things more so than males.
I was always trying to hide the fact that I was different, and also had a very hard time putting my feelings into words. So although it does make sense as to why females are underdiagnosed or even misdiagnosed, I really wish there was more awareness out there about females with AS, because it seems the majority of people think it's something that only affects males.
 Having AS and being undiagnosed can lead to a worsening of so many other problems, that already co-exist with AS like extremely low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc. I wish I would have been diagnosed as a child, because I have struggled my entire life, and was just yelled at for being "the way that I am" by my parents, which made me feel even worse about myself than I already did. I wasn't a "bad" kid, I was just very particular about certain things they didn't understand. For example, they just thought I hated going to school so much because I was being "lazy" or "defiant", when in reality it was because the thought of being around other kids my age made me so nervous that I would get sick to my stomach. It was very stressful growing up. I felt so alone, and my parents weren't the most compassionate, or supportive people as it was. Quite the opposite actually. My mom was always saying things like "why can't you just be like all the other girls?" or "you look retarded out there spacing out, in your own little world, while all the other girls are smiling and having a good time". It used to upset me so bad when she would say things like that, because I wanted to be like the other girls soo badly and I would try so hard to convince myself that I was.. But the older I got the more I realized that just was not the case. I was different. My friends were always laughing at things I didn't find the least bit funny, and goofing around, having fun with each other, telling jokes(that I didn't understand).  I would just sit there and watch them and think, "I wonder...do they really find this that funny?" I tried to imitate them to the best of my ability, and did a pretty good job of it most of the time, but it was not easy, and at the time I don't even think I consciously realized I was doing it. I remember around age 10 or 11 thinking, "maybe everyone feels like I do". But as I got older, it became more apparent to me, that was not the case. There was just something about me that wasn't right. Hanging out with my friends just wasn't fun, and to me, having fun wasn't as important as trying to get people to like me. Maybe the whole reason being liked was so important was because the more I was liked by others, the more convinced I became that just maybe there wasn't anything wrong with me. But in reality...I was a fraud. I fake laughed as often as I could and my cheeks would get so tired from fake smiling.  My mom always told me I must not be her child because I rarely smiled and/or laughed. A couple years ago, my mom kept my daughter overnight because I had a big test to study for. The next day we were talking and my mom said, "do you realize how lucky you are to have a daughter like 'Gracie'? She's so happy and outgoing..u were just so "blah" and "boring" as a child. (Not typically something you want to hear from your own mother). She obviously wasn't aware at that point still that I had Aspergers. And when she found out about my diagnosis yesterday and researched it on the internet, she looked like she had just seen a ghost. She said "OMG I cannot even believe after all these years, all the psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and doctors, that it took this long for them to figure out what's really wrong with you..it's so blatantly obvious". She even apologized to me for the way she's treated me my whole life..for criticizing, making fun of, mocking me..etc. I can tell she really does feel bad. And I don't resent her as much as I did before either, because the things she was telling me about myself were true, but I just didn't want to admit to myself that I was "different", and I just don't take criticism well at all. Plus, she didn't know any better. She didn't know that I truly had a problem, and that I just couldn't help the way I was. She says looking back there were soo many things that were indicative of AS, but since AS wasn't really even recognized until 1997, there was no way for her to know or recognize the signs. I had been diagnosed with Inattentive ADD around age 8, and around age 16 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anorexia, OCD, and manic depression. I read an article today that said all of those things are comorbid with Asperger's. I'm not surprised.
 I was always so serious about everything, and into my adolesence I started feeling really depressed. But I still put on my fake happy face, and no one(but maybe my mom), could've guessed how I was really feeling on the inside. It was like I was just playing a character at school or whoever I was hanging out with. And the type of character I was would change with each person/group. I would usually just say I liked whatever they did, and depending on how close I was to this person, sometimes I would even convince myself that I liked certain things that I really didn't. Because when that friendship would end, I no longer liked any of the things I acted like I loved so much when I was around them. I was like a chameleon. I was very quiet and shy. And I tried not to speak if I didn't have to, but during HS especially, that became increasingly difficult because I am a naturally very chatty person if I'm surrounded by people that I'm at least a little comfortable with. But whenever I did say anything, it was never the "right" thing, and people always looked at me like I was nuts. But all I ever wanted was to be liked and accepted. I feel like that even got in the way of my school work because fitting in was such hard work that it consumed my time and was all I ever thought about while at school. As I got older, and mimicking the neurotypical girls became easier because anything that you learn in life takes time.  The longer you do it and the more you practice, the better your become. I also sort of believe the only thing that got me through school were my looks, quite honestly.  Now I am aware that saying that might make me sound kind of conceeded, but I'm far from it-believe me. As unhappy as I am with myself, I do know that I am what society considers a "pretty girl" for several reason, but I will save that topic for another blog post. I am actually very insecure, and didn't act like or dress like a girl until about HS. That's when I finally started realizing that my looks helped me in more ways than I ever realized, and that's when I learned to do make up and became more into "mantaining" myself.  It's not because I enjoyed putting make up on or doing my hair, but because I knew that doing so would help raise my likeability, as shallow as that sounds.
 I have been wearing different "masks" for as long as I can remember, in hopes of trying to fit in with everyone else. Going out into the world and socializing was, and still is, downright exhausting. I have to become someone that I'm not, and very carefully think out every word I say. And the words I say still don't end up coming out right a majority of the time. I also misread people, or misread situations. I am always overthinking everything.  I envy those people that appear to be so calm, cool and collected. Must be nice. 
The last few months I've been having a sort of "identity crisis".  I don't know who I really am because I'm so used to this facade. I'm so used to being the person that I think everyone else wants me to be, that I now have absolutely no idea who I really am.  And now I am starting to fear that maybe I never will.  Because I don't really see myself  changing the way I act in social situation or around certain people.  I can be the closest version to "myself" in front of my husband.  He is the only person that I feel truly comfortable being my quirky, wierd, self around without worrying about being judged or made fun of.  I mean he jokes around with me, but he is laughing with me, not at me. He rarely(if ever), gets annoyed with me which is the opposite of how my family was while growing up. But I don't blame, or resent them for the way they treated me, because they just didn't know any better. They weren't aware that I had AS. Which is why I really think more people need to be made aware that girls do suffer with AS more than anyone realizes. I am willing to bet that the number of girls on the spectrum is way higher than 20%, and that there's a startling number of girls out there in the world suffering in silence like I did all these years; scared to tell anyone how they really feel out of fear that they will be looked at, or labelled as "different" or wierd. And if they're like me, that's the very thing that they've been trying to avoid thier whole lives.
Well it's time for me to try and go to sleep. Try being the operative word. ;) 
This has been my very first blog/blog post ever. So thanks for reading. I figure if I can help even one person out there to not feel so alone by documenting my thoughts, and day-to-day struggles, then it's worth it.
By the way, I apologize if I ramble or talk in circles sometimes. Especially on days like today where I'm extremely tired.  It makes me unable to process my thoughts, and put my thoughts into words even more than usual. So for that I apologize. :)

~Lacey G